Let's Catch Up for a Minute.

My vacation ends this Sunday and when I go back to school I will have only 10 high school days left. Every year for the past 3 years I listened to upper classmen talk about how fast high school went by. I sort of just shrugged it off and thought 'I can't get out any faster.' But really it went by so fast and it makes me think about how I have changed and what kind of person I am becoming. Even though I have 3 weeks left until I get my diploma and start empire, the fact about graduating early and starting a young adult life hasn't hit me yet. For so long it was an idea then it became a fact and soon it will become my reality. And I wont lie to you and say I'm not nervous or scared because I am.
Over the past month I have been thinking about what kind of person I am now and what kind of person I want to be. I think about how much I have grown and how much respect I have for myself now then when I was 14. When I realized that, my grades began to sky rocket and for the first time in my whole life I am getting straight A's and I got high honors. I'm almost sorry for not realizing that sooner then my junior year. I've learned not to settle for anything lower than what I am capable of. I'm not going to settle for just a high school diploma. I am reaching my goal and getting something of a higher degree. No, its not a bachelors degree but its a cosmetologist license and that's something I've always wanted to do since I can remember.
As for the person I want to be, I want to be the best person I can be. I want to reach my life goals with my head high. I know sometimes the hurdles get really hard to jump but I'm willing to take 'em on and beat 'em up. I want to learn how to make mistakes and learn from them instead of letting them push me down. I want to not let my fears get in the way of how I'd like to live my life. I want to not only make myself proud but I want to make you proud.

Umm no

I went to my first day of this new 'job.' They lied to me in the interview. She told me I'd be calling businesses but I got there and she had me call people right out of the phone book. The business name wasn't even what she told me at my interview. I got spoken to by them if I said what we were advertising on the phone. There wasn't one nice person I spoke to on the phone besides aunty steph. One girl said we could get fined, another women told me she was on the toilet, and a man called me a 'babe.' Most horrible experience in my life. I didn't even really try to get this job and was surprised when they hired me but now I know why.

I'll continue my search again sometime in the future.

New Job

Not so excited....

Its basically telemarketing trying to get people/business's to set up an appointment to sell a product. I'm not acutally doing the selling but telemarketers always get hung up. I read reviews on this place after I already got the job and now im stressing. I start tomorrow and I heard if you cant make any appointments within a certain amount of days....you get fired. I'm going to go in and try my best but at the same time hope that J-Jill calls me back with a job opening.

The pay for this job is good but thats about it.

Woah

Only 21 total SCHOOL days until I start Empire.

and 42 total reality days until I start Empire.

On Wednesday I have my final appointment for Financial Aid and then I'll be all set to walk in on January 19th like I own the place.

ONLY 18 DAYS 'TIL WE HAVE CHRISTMAS AT THE ALBERTS!!!!


apparently I'm obsessed with counting days haha

18

Turning 18 wasn't such a big deal after all. I'm glad actually.

I definitely got my dose of freedom on Wednesday and learned the hard way that getting the freedom you want doesn't mean its always going to be fun.

Beckie and I went and got facial piercings. I know every one of you think that's gross. ( Well those of you over 30 )I got my Monroe pierced, which is an off center piercing on the upper lip.( Beckie got her nose done ) I thought it was going to be the coolest thing ever and it is. Except for the swelling. I wont even begin to tell you about it because its disturbing. Lets just say it swelled up so bad for a couple of days I thought I was going to have to take it out. But today the swelling went down about 50%-60%. Its just a little red. So that's my example of how freedom isn't always fun. I had to deal with the consequences of getting this done.

What really made me feel like an adult is when I asked mom if i could go some where, she said....and I quote " Heather you're 18 and you don't necessarily have to ask me if you can go places. You just have to let me know where you are." That was cool especially since earlier that day she said I had to live with her forever because I'm still too young to be out on my own. haha. I thought she was gonna cry.

I'm really hoping my 18th year will be amazing because of graduating and going to empire =)

Thanks for all the birthday money =) I was able to get some nice shirts and shoes for empire =)

"What do you do when you have given up?"

I don't do anything. I am completely miserable and more stressed out than I was when I was in the process of looking and applying. I don't know what to do. I dont know if theres anything I can do.

"Dont give up hope.....do you really think you wont have a job forever?"

The only thing keeping me from going into a loony bin is knowing that I am going to Empire in 61 days and by january 2011 I will have my cosmetology license and I will have a good, stable, and secure job that I will love. But for now...having a job just isnt working out....clearly.

i.give.up

Im fine

It was just a cold.

I didn't have swine flu and my cold left as quickly as it came.

Sunday night I started feeling it. Monday I went to school and came home a little early. Yesterday I had a day off of school and basically spent most of my day in bed getting rid of what was left. And today I feel perfectly fine.

A lot of people have been out of school and as far as I know 10 students have the swine flu. But rumors pass on quickly so who knows if thats a true fact or not. Im not kidding you though, I have 19 people ( my smallest class ) in my crafts class and about 9 or 10 have been there this whole week. I don't remember last years cold and flu season being this bad. But Im oblivious to most things.

How much will change when I turn 18?

Every time its brought up something else is changed about how I'll live and what I will do from then on. My future is brought up constantly in the same subject. Like moving out and where. What I will do for a job as a cosmetologist (because I dont have to just work in a salon)

I seem to think it will stay the same. Ill have the same friends, be in the same house, living with the same mother. But, Ill be going to Empire, paying off financial aid, and hopefully working.All by January.

How much did it change when you turned 18?

It's Right There

I finally have a job interview at Gymboree Outlet in the Tanger Outlets. I would not let this one slip through my fingers this time. I wish I had started counting how many applications I have filled out since January because I would guess 1,000 by the time I applied at Gymboree.
This time I went IN to apply. Then I filled out the application IN the store. Then I asked questions like "Should I call or wait for a call?" and "How many days should I wait to call and who shall I ask for?" Then I waited two days and called. Erin practically gave me an interview on the phone. She said that she hadn't looked at my application yet but she would and she would call me back. She didn't call on Tuesday so I called back. She wasn't there. So I called Wednesday and she still wasn't there. So I called thrusday. I Made her write my name and phone number down so she wouldn't forget me. Saturday she called back and now I have an interview. People say the most persistant ones get the interviews/jobs. I wish I listened and didn't have to learn the hard way.

For me, this was like reaching for the moon. Every time I filled out and application it was another 100 feet higher. And everytime I called back it was another two hundred feet higher. But for every two hundred feet I fell back a hundred because I would not get that interview. Finally now I have got an interview and it feels like the moon is only an arm length away and if I could just get that job it will be in my hands. Eventually though I will lose grip because it is only a seasonal position. Im trying my hardest not to focus on that part.
I still plan on trying to get the job at J-Jill. J-Jill is a seasonal position as well but working two jobs is something I really feel I need to do because I am starting Empire in January. Im almost positive I can handle working two jobs because I barely get homework. I get home work in ONE class maybe two but thats rare. I can't work until 4:30 or 5 so that gives me about 2 hours to do the homework before I have to go to work. Im going to see how many hours I get working at Gymboree and if it's not enough I will still try to get the job at J-Jill.

Am I rushing myself. I mean...I still have to pass the interview. haha

Anyway. ONLY 3 WEEKS 3 DAYS TIL MY 18TH BIRTHDAY!

I want.....

I know a lot of you are thinking about what you want to get me for my 18th birthday... haha

So since there is only 4 weeks and 5 days unitl November 25th I would like...

$Money$. Most of the money I get, if I get any at all, will go towards Empire.
Asking for money sounds a little greedy but ummmm I kinda need it.

Ummm yeah...That's basically it. If you think you'd like to get me something else that I will like. Go for it.

I messed up...

All this time Ive been counting down until my birthday I have been a week ahead of myself.

5 WEEKS UNTIL MY BIRTDAY!!!!!

The Economy Needs to Change NOW

I am so sick of applying and re applying to jobs.
I am so sick of calling them a million times because they ask me to and then I don't even get an interview out of it.
I am extremely sick of having to rely on my mother or boyfriend to pay for things. I'm also incredibly sick of having to use my mothers car every where I go.
Nothing about the economy is working out for me.

Things that are working out for me:
I am officially enrolled into Empire Beauty School and start on January 19Th, 2010. Yes that's two days before I actually graduate but lucky for me I don't have to take finals as long as my grades are higher than an 80 which right now I'm getting straight A's.

Most of the time the good out weighs the bad and I don't get frustrated so easily about the bad because I know better. I've had enough things going on in my life to know that dwelling on the bad gets you no where. But when I haven't had any chance at getting a stable job, yeah I get a lot discouraged.

I am screaming help but what can anybody do for me? Nothing, this is something I have to get myself and apparently what I am doing isn't good enough. I don't understand why I have applied to every job and their mother and I don't get ONE interview. I applied to J-Jill and I could work there as soon as I turn 18. If I don't get this job considering my mother has worked there for 9 years, yeah that will give me reason to break down.

Just gotta say....

6 MORE WEEKS UNTIL MY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!

What I really want...is a job.

Used to be....

Projects used to be my favorite part of class. That was when I had them maybe once a month. Now as a senior I get them like one after another. They are an easy grade for me but can't a girl get a break?!

I'm still looking for a job and I'm getting really frustrated. I hear of people looking for two weeks and then get a job right off the bat with in the first two places they apply. What am I doing wrong? I have experience, I have references, I call back with in few days of applying. I'm about to just go in... take 'em by the shoulders, look them in the eye, shake 'em and say " WHY WONT YOU HIRE ME?"

On the other hand. Life is good.

What's Goin On?

I went to Empire on Monday as you all know. We pretty much just discussed the school and finances. I will be covered by financial aid and I already have my $500 scholarship signed and ready to be deducted from expenses. With in the next week or two I have to go into my guidance councilor and apply for all the fun stuff, like grants and scholarships. Yay me. I don't have to fill out a FAFSA form because I'm getting financial aid through Empire. I am super excited. I just have to figure out if I would like to do the January class or March. I'm leaning closer to the January class right now. When I figure out that I go back in. Then after that I have to go in again for more financial stuff. Mom is happy because she doesn't have to pay a cent haha. Lucky for me, I dont have to pay a cent until 6 months after I graduate the program.

7 weeks until my birthday! Should I give you a list now or wait?

School is going pretty good. I'm getting all A's and one B. My GPA last I knew was 90 out of 100 but I'm pretty certain it's higher now considering my grades have only gone UP.

Tomorrow...

Im going to get enrolled into Empire and I can't wait. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

March just isn't coming fast enough.

Getting Enrolled

Im getting enrolled to Empire on Monday. Im super excited. Im that much closer and I cant wait.

I also want to say thank you to all of you. You guys are so supportive and im lucky to have such a great family.

By the way only 8 more weeks til my 18th birthday =)

Still Don't Know

I got my results back from the blood test. There wasnt really much to worry about. My liver enzyme count was a little high, but really nothing to worry about at all. My fasting insuline levels were also a little high but again nothing to worry about. And by the way mom, I looked up what fasting insuline was and its the insuline levels your body has when you fast and I had to fast for that test. I don't have diabetes or nothing, I just have to watch the carbs I eat and record what I do eat and when for now. She'll keep an eye out on that as well.
But the thing that is stumping everyone the most is my LH hormone levels. LH is a hormone that dont usually rise until a women is going through menopause. So my doctor is unsure of where this is coming from. So more tests will be done to figure out where its coming from. My first test is on Monday.
I'm really grateful that this is all it is. It could be a lot worse but its not and it can be fixed.
Thats really about it, I dont have to keep you updated any more since it's nothing so serious it cant be corrected.

For Steph

The photoshop I use in class is the 11.0 version. And the cameras we are getting are Fuji Sp/500.

http://reviews.cnet.com/digital-cameras/fujifilm-finepix-s1500/4505-6501_7-33529082.html?tag=mncol;lst

10 MP 12X Lens Not too bad

Think.

A picture is worth way more than a 1,000 words.

Senior Life So Far

I enjoy not having to carry around a 30 lb back pack. I just carry around a large purse. I only have two academics. Only one class I need a text book but even then its only the size of a jodi picoult novel =P.

My schedule is as follows:

Technology in America Block 1: This is a history class and it's actually not too bad. Its all about how we got tools from native American time all the way until now where technology is so advanced. Makes you think hard about how much me do have to make life easier. I love my teacher Ms. Bennett shes makes it fun and interesting.

Comic Traditions Block 2: This is an English class. Basically we just study the writers that make a piece funny, like Janet Evonovich =p. And we get a chance to write our only pah-larious pieces ourselves. This is my third year in a row having Mrs. Bordeau so I fell real comfortable in her class.

Digital Photography Block 3: Aunty steph would love this class! We learn EVERYTHING about cameras. To how they work, what each setting does and why the settings work, and all the way down to taking pictures ourselves and editing them on photo shop. =)This is my second favorite class.

Creativity and Design Block 4: This is my most favorite class and I think Aunty Kim would Love it. It's all crafts. We get to learn how to make jewelery. We get to do pottery, we will be doing clay crafts, weaving, different kind of homemade books, illuminated letters, stained glass ( which I'm nervous bout cuz we cut the glass ourselves) and a ton more. I can't wait to teach everyone the new crafts I learn. This is the first and only art class I have taken through out my whole high school career.

Unfortunately aunty robin I switched the class I thought you would've liked. It was digital design and imaging. basically web design and stuff. Photography was more my thing.

I get to leave campus to go to lunch which I have already taken advantage of. Today I went across the street ( woo! go me! big dare devil) to Laconia House of Pizza aka L-HOP and I got a sub. It was much yummier than cafe food!

Senior year will definitely be the most fun and easiest.

A new beginning for me.

In ways other then becoming a senior tomorrow and turning 18 this year. So you can take a sigh of relief and thank god I'm not ranting about that stuff again.

Some of you may or may not know about the issues I've been having concerning my health. Actually I'm almost sure none of you do except for mom. Why because it's something I have never had an answer too and didn't know why my body was doing the things is was or wasn't doing.

For three, yes count em THREE, YEARS now I have been having a problem that my previous doctor didn't think was much of a problem. Well I got sick of her telling me there was nothing wrong with me when clearly what is going on is not normal. Beckie got sick of me complaining about it, I'm sure, and recommended me to Dr. Hare.

Today was my first appointment. I told her what was going on and she said "You're right. This is not right and I do not know why you previous doctor ignored it." So she got started with tests right away. I had to get my blood drawn, but apparently my veins are tiny and I didn't have anything to drink today so I have to go back in on Friday morning. She's doing a blood test for insulin, glucose, PCOS, TSH and any other things they can detect in a blood test. After I get my blood tested and get results back, depending on the results I may get an MRI to take a look at a gland in my brain and an ultrasound done to try and rule out PCOS.

I cried because for three long years I have been dealing with pain and confusion and now it will get solved. Maybe I'll go on that show 'Mystery Diagnosis" on TLC. haha just kidding. I know I probably wont like the out come of whatever this may be but once it gets figured out I can do what I need to do to fix it.

I know this is confusing but trust me, Im still confused too. But once I get my true diagnoses I will tell you and it will be easier to understand.

Senior 'Half' Year

I start my Senior 'half' Year in 5 days. There are many things I'm dreading about starting school this year.
My biggest reason....
I'm starting my last year with out my best friend. Basically because I was stupid and chose a person who was 3 months and one whole grade older than me to be my best friend. Nah it wasn't stupid but I definitely didn't think about ahead of time how it'd be with out her this year. She doesn't really have the same feelings as I do about it because she is starting college soon and I wasn't even planning on going to that college so she would've been without me anyway.
My second biggest reason....
I need to meet with my guidance councilor and get financial aid all set for myself to start cosmetology in February or March. Speaking of that I have to GET myself enrolled for the February or March class. I also need to GET a job so I can GET a car(even if its a real old beat up piece of poo)and I have to pay back financial aid at some point.
My last reason....
The real world is scary and I'm only getting that much closer.

I called back

I went to Bass like I was supposed to and filled out an application. I was supposed to meet a manager there but she had to leave early because of a 'family emergency.'

So today I called back and spoke to a different manager and she told me she will call me back in a few days. Sigh.

Kudos to Me!!!

I just got myself an interview with out even filling out an application.

Well kinda....

I filled out an application back in the begining of June. They stopped hiring and are hiring again so I called. I told them my situation. She told me she would like for me to come in and fill out another application and while im there she'll set a time for an interview.

Just cant get my hopes to high up.

What Beepa's Truck Has Taught Me (and other thoughts)

Responsibility for sure.

When Beepa first gave me this truck to use for the summer I was just happy to have a vehicle to depend on other then my mothers. I didn't have to wait for her to get home to go job searching or to go grocery shopping and I havent had to keep mom from going to Vermont when she wants to. But now I truly understand the responsibility of having a vehicle.

I have to think about gas and power steering fluid before I even think about spending money on something else. Or saving it of course.

I have to keep it cleaned. I never used to take out my trash or empty water bottles in Moms car but now I truly understand the annoyance of a messy car. Eww.

I take care of it. I don't like when people get to close to me driving but I have to do my best because I cant control other drivers.

Beepa's truck and I have a good relationship. The truck and I have agreed if I take care of him he will take care of me. So far the pact is still tight. haha

I thought about some of these things with moms car but not as much as I do now with beepas truck.

Now to turn the tables around and go from one extreme to another.

Many of you have heard about the issues with my father. He moved to Texas and wanted me to go down there and talk to him face to face about the problems I have with him.

At first I said I would go. Before you get angry and ask why I will try my best to tell you why but its not easy. I made a post about how Beepa has been the man in my life for my whole life and I don't take that back I still feel that way greatly. But chuck is my dad and I will always be mad at him but at the same time i will always want what I didn't have from him. Like I told mom, I wouldn't go to find something better than what I do have because there is nothing better than what I have.

So I thought about it for just about the past three weeks. I have decided that going to Texas isn't going to change anything. I have also thought hard about how I want him to be in my life. I want him to be like a buddy. I don't want him to be like a father cuz he is not. This may be cold but I decided if chuck and I did regain some kind of relationship i wouldn't want him at my graduations and i wouldn't want him at my wedding some day. He doesn't deserve to go to either occasions. Graduating high school and one day cosmetology school are big steps to growing up and hitting the real world. I don't think he deserves to be here for these because he wasn't around to see me transition. And as for getting married someday...the person who should give me away is the person who has raised me my whole life and that is my mother.

Happy Birthday LUKE!!!

8 years old already!!!

It's Been a While

I stayed at camp for two weeks and one day exactly. The first few days were rough because of funerals and grandfathers going to the hospital (well just my beepa anyway) But once mom left; Grammie, Beepa, and I worked hard every day to get the camp ready and cleaned before every one got there on Thursday or Friday. Grammy taught me how to wash windows the "way professionals do it" and make grilled cheese. I became pro at both my the end of the week. This year the boat wasn't even in until the 3rd or 4Th. Crazy I know but it had been raining every day.

Finally the hobonanza began and I opened up by singing the anthem and steph gave us a little task with rules. After a day of fun on the fourth I went to the caves on Sunday for the first time ever. I was surprised I kept up with the guys almost the whole way. Until we reached the very steep part. I thought my legs and lungs where just gonna collapse. But I did it and I experienced half of one of the caves. I didn't go in the first one because it looked narrow and then it got narrow in the second one as well so i turned around. Maybe next time. Jesse, Jeff and I were so dirty we jumped in the lake with all our clothes on to get the excess dirt off. BOY is the water FREEZING. Even though the water was freezing Jesse went knee boarding , and us kids of the lord camp went swimming in the cove.

Thursday rolled around a little too fast for me and I had to figure out a way to get home. I thought I was gonna take moms car and then Kim was gonna meet me in Tilton to pick her up. Then mom and beepa told me I was going to take beepas truck FOR THE SUMMER. So Beepa took me out and taught me a lot about the truck and then gave me some specific instructions. Mean while I am taking senior pictures with auntie steph. The ones I have seen are beautiful and I cant wait to see more.

Beepa when you said your power steering thingy had a leak i was thinking 'alright i bet its not that bad.' But I already had to fill it back up yesterday. Haha. And when I lift the hood I still have to push down the little spring thingy. It still sticks. But it's fine. Thank You Beepa!!!

Oh yeah, and yesterday I had an interview at Clarks Bostonian Shoe Depot but I'm not even going to begin to tell you how that went. It didn't go bad but it was almost pointless.

Oh Yeah!!!

I totally forgot today was fathers day. Basically because I don't have a father around to say it to. I have no control over that. Believe it or not I spent memorial day night expressing how I feel about my father to him. He didn't really care and got mad and blamed me and every one else FOR HIS ABSENCE. Chuck just kept saying how it wasn't his fault at all. I cried about it for a while but then I realized if he's not man enough to own up to what he HASN'T been doing during my 17 years of life, than he's not man enough to be my father. I hate to be wicked conceited when I say this but hes missed out on something great. I have been so successful with school and with certain goals that I have and he's missed out. Not me.
Mom at one point was trying to calm me down and while I was still upset I said "I just want what you've had your whole life." and she said "You do" And she is right. Beepa may not be my father haha, but he is my grandfather and he has been here for me my whole life. And every time I think about it I cry because I don't know what I'd do with out him. I had the opportunity to live with my grandparents for two years out of my life. During that time beepa taught me right and wrong. He taught me respect, even though mom and I still get into occasional arguments and every time I think of Beepa and I apologize to mom. He taught me table manners and still teaches me haha. He gives me complete support with any decisions I may have and he always praises me when I've done something well. Which brings me back years ago when Steph gave us flowers and each kid had to give it to someone who was their hero or someone they look up to. I gave mine to Beepa. And if someone gave me a million bucks to give to the person I look up to, I'd give it to Beepa.
With that said, I never missed out on having a male figure in my life because I have Beepa. Like I said he may not be my father but he is my grandfather and in my case that is the best thing.

Anyway. I started work today at Ames Farm and I pretty much love it. Who woulda thunk it? I hate cleaning my room but I actually like cleaning the cabins. I'm sure once I work there a few times I will hate it. But for now I like it.

So Now What?

School is out for summer. As most of you know last summer I didn't make one cent. I didn't want to give up my summers at camp yet. But now I realize that I should've. I could've worked a little bit harder to find a job, but I didn't.
This summer I plan on working as much as I can. I work saturdays at Ames Farm Inn. I'm still waiting to hear back from Tom at Levi's ( which should be soon cuz he said by the end of this week )I'm pretty confident I will get the job. If I do, I'll be working from 4:30 pm til about 10pm on weekdays and saturday. Then all day sundays. Im working the evening shifts because I have to wait for mom to get home. BUT when the three places down town open up ( Walgreens, CVS, and My Coffee House ) I plan on applying to work day shifts because I can just walk there.
Thank God for edline because I have been able to look at all the grades I got on my final.
Memoir I got a 95 making my class average an 87
I finally passed physical science with a 72 making my class average and 84
Early Childhood I got a 99! making my class average an 88
Concert Choir I got a 75 =( but my class average is an 83
History I got a 90 making my class average an 81

This is sadly my first year in high school passing every class I took this year including first semester. I don't have to retake anything. But I am proud of myself. Senoir year will be incredibly easy so hopefully we will make it two years passing all my classes


Also I want my aunts to know how grateful I am for everything they have done for me. I know that sounds corney and random but it's true. Im grateful for my whole family of course, but its just lately that my aunts have done a lot for me.

Aunty Robin helped my mom and I get my recording on to a CD-R so I could send it in to the red sox. I know to her its not hard to do, but for mom and I it's like rocket science. With out her I wouldn't have been able to get it on a CD and send it in.

Aunty Steph is taking my senior pictures so I don't have to pay $150-200 for them. In a way we are helping each other out. She has an assignment to take formal pictures and I need senoir pictures. She is even driving all the way up to Laconia to take them so I dont have to find a ride down there.

Aunty Kim has let me stay with her not once but twice down in Florida. She even let my best friend come down with me this last time. With out her I don't think I would've experienced even half the things I did while I was with her. We did things like go to a seaquarium and watch dolpin and whale shows. We took a long drive down alligator ally and counted 122 gators! We went on an air boat ride. We went to cold stone creamery where I experienced the best ice cream ever. We went on a Safari where I got to see incredible animals. And so much more.

I'm equally grateful for all of them.

Waiting Game

I had my interview today at 1. Everything went very well. Even after we were done with the interview we just talked. I'm hoping thats a sign that he will call me in a week to schedule the second interview. If he does call me for the second interview I will go and then from there i will know if I have the job or not.

This is my last week of school. Im excited but also overwhelmed. I cant say enough about how my junior year went by too fast. If my junior year went by so fast I can only imagine how fast my senior year will go. WOAH

Good News

Yesterday I recorded the anthem with 'G' and put it onto a CD. It took me eight times to get it right. Some reasons were because the office kept going over the intercom and others being because I would stop in the middle of a verse because I didn't like how it sounded. And I still don't. But whatever. I'm going to see if I can get it on here some time. I cant now cuz mom has it at Robins.

Also yesterday my best friend graduated. I am really proud of her and I know she will work just as hard if not harder in college as did in LHS. I will miss her a lot at school. I will miss having lunches with her, or finding her in the hall ways in between classes and yelling 'I LOVE YOU' across the halls. But I know we will still remain friends. Our friendship is way to strong to let it go that easily. We do way to much together. The best part about that is we rarely get sick of each other and if we do we aren't afraid to say it because we both know we wont be offended if one of us does get annoyed by the other.

To prove we do everything together we got another job together. Which is working at Ames Farm Inn on Saturdays. We even both have an interview tomorrow for Levi's. Her's is at 11:30 and mine is at 1. I have complete faith that both of us will get this job.

Levi's is actually a year round job. When I went in to apply the lady who gave us our apps said that they were hiring because 4 people left, So they were at least hiring 4 people. =) I'm grateful for multiple reasons. One, I went in to apply at the right time. Two, I have and interview. Three, its year round and NOT seasonal :). Four, I hear the pay is good. And five, I'm hoping to save enough money all summer to get a car in at least November. I would get a car by maybe the end of summer but I figure it's best to wait a little while longer til my birth day month so I don't have to pay for inspection and registration twice in like 2 or 3 months. Smart? I know.

Anyway, I will post tomorrow after my interveiw to let you know how it went. Wish me luck.

Well I am excited!!!

While riding in the car with my mom on the way to Luke's base ball game, we came out with a list of solutions to come up with a way to sing and get it on a CD. We narrowed it down to singing on the web cam and then burning it to a CD. I thought that was good enough. UNTIL I remember that my choir teacher has a recording system. This recording system has everything I need for best quality.

So I went to 'G' today and asked her and she said "OF COURSE!" So Friday from the moment I get out of school at 2:30 all the way until 6: 30, 'G' and I are going to work together to get this CD made. That's plenty of time.

Then at 6:30 Rebecca is graduating. She gave me one of her free tickets to go and I will obviously be there for her just as I know she will do the same for me next year.

I also got a call from my boss at Ames Farm Inn to work on the 21st and the 27Th. Plus I called Levi's yesterday and they would like me to call and schedule an interview this Saturday.

I told mom yesterday that things finally seem to be going my way. =) Im probably the happiest I've been in a very long time.

Well I WAS excited...

Two Friday's ago I wrote an email to the ambassador of the Red Sox. I asked him if there was a possibility for me to sing the National Anthem at a Red Sox game. I waited and waited and waited to get an email back. I almost gave up hope UNTIL...I got this email today...

"Thank you for writing to the Red Sox and for your interest in singing the National Anthem at Fenway Park . If you would like to audition to sing the National Anthem at an upcoming game, please send us a CD of yourself performing the Star Spangled Banner, a cappella in 90 seconds or less. Please include your biographical information along with the CD. Please make sure to put your name and phone number on the CD itself in case the CD and the case get separated. Please mail your CD to the Boston Red Sox, 4 Yawkey Way , Boston , MA 02215 attn: Anthem.


Phil Derick
Fenway Ambassador
Boston Red Sox "

I have multiple problems with this. One : I dont have a USB cord for my acutal video camera. Two : I could use my red digital camera except the quality for audio sucks major so thats out of the question. Third : Just to try it out I sang on my digital camera and then tried to burn it onto a CD but I can't figure out how to burn it onto a CD.

Unless I cant figure out another alternative...this idea is pretty much shot.

My addiction

I have learned a lot about unhealthy addictions in my past. But the addiction I have is healthy. I cannot stop reading Jodi Picoult books. So maybe my obsession for Jodi Picoult is unhealthy but reading is healthy right? I became hooked when I read My Sisters Keeper over April Vacation. I read that book the whole way to Florida, the whole way back from Florida and at night before I went to bed. And I read it just in time too because the movie for it is coming out this month. Grammy hit me up sometime so we can go see it together. I also read Picture Perfect and I'm now reading Plain Truth and her new book Handle with Care. I started reading Plain Truth memorial day and I'm a little over half way through but then I got a call from the Library saying they had her new book on hold for me and I had to go pick it up. So as much as I hate to put down Plain Truth I love that I'm reading her new book before grammy. I'll definitely pick up Plain Truth again when I'm finished with Handle with Care but I gotta read that one first because I have to get it back to the Library but the 16th. But at the rate its going I will be done with the book by Monday or Tuesday next week and I just got the book yesterday.

I basically read every free chance I get. While we are watching a movie in class, or before the bell rings, or at lunch. LOL. I have to go get home work done now so I can read my book. =P

I do have the best mom ever

SHE BOUGHT 2 RED SOX TICKETS FOR THIS SUNDAY. I am stoked. Like for real. I can't wait to go. Oh Ma Gaw!

Whoops

It's too bad that cold and old sound a like. Mom asked me today if I thought she looked old. I replied 'yes' because I thought she said " Do you think i have a cold?" So I got up in attempt to take her temperature and then she repeated her question and I was like "OHHHHHH I thought you asked if I thought you had a cold." haha whoops. Love you Ma

Got a Job

As most of you know I have a job on Saturdays. And almost all of you have asked me what this place is called and when I'm starting. I got my information today. It's called Ames Farm Inn and it's in Gilford. I'm supposed to start on July 4Th but I asked for that weekend off and shes okay with that because she's my teacher and she knows me well. I told her for the rest of the summer I'm free. So buh bye camp =(. I will start on July 11Th. I get paid $10 an hour for about 5-6 hours a day. Not to bad for one day a week.
I got this job with out applying and with out even an interview because she is my teacher. Shes my teacher in Early Childhood Educations so she knows how hard I work in that class. I knew it would pay off.
Of course $50 to $60 a week wont get me far but it will start me off. I'm still looking for a second job for the summer so I can save up as much as possible. I will need to find a job as close to home as possible so I can walk but right now I will also take whatever I can get. I feel bad for mom because she will have to stay home on weekends to because I will need the car to at least get to Gilford on Saturdays. Im sorry momma.
( haha I am taking car donations. just kidding )

I will miss camp sooooooooo much and I hope you wont forget about me.

My Very Last

Tonight is my last concert of my whole school career. That means I won't ever be singing in a large group for the rest of my life. I can't take it next year cuz I'm outa there in January.
It's kind of sad acutally. I have been in a chorus since I was in second grade. That's 9 years of a strong consistant passion. I won't stop singing. I'll just be singing a lot less.
One of the songs we are singing tonight is called 'time is my friend' and it just kind of hits me in the pit of my stomach. You'd have to know the song to understand what I mean, but it basically means you move forward and grow. Somethings end while other things start and that fits whats going on with me sometime soon.

ANYWAY

CAMP TOMORROW. GETTING OUTA SCHOOL SUPER EARLY.

CANT WAIT

grr

The burn on my belly isn't getting any better. It's really red. It's not pink like it was before. It's not like red like it's ifected but it's kinda gross still. I know this will leave me a nice big scar on my belly. I get a scar from any little thing. I even have a scar from when they drew blood from the blood drive. That's pathetic. Oh well. Not much I can do about it huh?

I NEED A JOB!!!!

One Hurdle Left.

Over the past 17 years I have deffinitly had to jump hurdles that I wish I didn't have to, but now all those hurdles are jumped and beatin' down into the ground never to be seen again.

My schedule for next year is set in stone now and I will for sure be graduating in January of 2010! I can't even believe it. I feel like my high school years are flying by so fast. Techically speaking I only have 113 days left to sit in a high school class room. ( Thats including the rest of this year and next year ) First block next year I will be taking Technology in America as my last History credit. Second block I will be taking Mythology as my last English credit. Third block I will be taking Digital Art and Design for and elective. And my last class of the day will be Creativity and Design as another elective.

So you're probably wondering what this last hurdle is.

My weight. You all know I've basically 'struggled' with it my whole life. I've held back a lot because of my wieght. I even didn't go to my own Junior prom this year because of how I look. I told every body I didn't want to go. Truth was I so badly wanted to go but Im just so self concious.

Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of friends and I love them all but I'm not social with them. I don't go anywhere with them. The only one I can actually trust is Rebecca. I've even learned how to make fun of myself before any one else can so it doesn't hurt so bad. I've always said to myself 'When are you gonna do something about this you fatty?!' But everytime I tried I'd give in to temptations or I wouldn't get off my butt and exercize.

I was beginning to see the tolls my weight had takin on my body. Shortness of breath, aches in my knees, pains all over, and clothes sizes kept getting bigger. I was like, 'HEATHER YOU'RE 17 NOT 48. WAKE UP!' So I did. Finally I woke up one day last week, got out of bed and said this is it. I can't keep doing this to myself any more. Since then I have been exercizing every day for 30 minutes or more; eating my dailey servings of fruits, veggies, meats, etc, and drinking plenty of water. I haven't given up yet and I have no intentions to. I know if I don't keep up what I've been doing so well for the past week and a half, I will keep living in all these emotions and I don't want to.

Starting to exercize wasn't at all what I wanted to do but I knew I had to. And now I can't get enough of it. Even after only a week and a half I feel like I have more energy and I'm not so tired at school any more. To feel this good already, I really don't want to give up.

My mother is a big part of this journey and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Shes the motivation I needed. My mom talks me through it when I do have a few moments of doubt. She recaps my success so far which I need sometimes just to boost my esteem. She of course buys the right kinds of foods to eat and makes sure its the foods I like but at the same time it give me my nutrional value. She lets me know she has faith in me and that by far is the best feeling.

Oh, The Pains of Mothers Day.

Yesterday, Mothers Day, I woke up and began cleaning my room because thats what mother asked for. "A clean house." As I am taking a break I hear a loud sigh coming from the living room about every 3 minutes. Finally I open my door and say "What do you want?" and she would reply "Ohhhh nothing." She kept doing this over a period of say a half hour? Finally I said "Wouldja stop beating around the bush and tell me what you want?" She said "Food." I ask her what she wants and she doesn't know. So I sit around the house waiting for her to tell me but she never gives me an answer. Finally she comes up with the idea of me making her mac and chesse. ( not a very healthy choice I may add ) and so I put some water on to boil and then I pour the noodles in to cook. When the noodles are done I need to strain them. I'm not exactly sure how this happend, maybe I wasnt paying attention, or maybe I poured to fast, or maybe I spilled it, but in a second I spill the BOILING water all over me. With a culdrin in one hand and a pot in the other I hesitated on where to put them. Drop both in the sink or on the counter. Fianlly I just dropped both where ever my hands were hovering. I lift my shirt to find THIS on my left belly. Yeah it was kinda hard to tell if it was swollen. Haha. But it was deffinately red and causing me pain.

Beware


What you are about to see when you scroll down, may not be suitable for your eyes


Im serious

I miss my uncle very much.♥

July 4th, 2005

Eeek

I'm getting ready today to go to Florida. I have to finish up whats left to do of the packing. Ya know the little stuff. Then I've to go over to Rebecca's house to make sure she didn't forget anything. Basically because she can't remember crap. Haha she knows it too. Then we gotta go the store to get lots of batteries for my camera so I can take a million and one pictures. Actually my camera will holy hold 700 but close enough. Then Scott is coming over to say good bye and give me money so I can get him some alligator jerky. Ewwwa.

Then mom, rebecca, and I will be going to auntie stephs for the night so we can get up at 5 30 or 6 to be at the airport my 7.

Have fun working and going to school for the rest of the week. HA!

CONGRATUALTIONS TO ME!!!

I have had my license for one whole year today. I haven't gotten one ticket, I haven't been pulled over once, I haven't gotten in a car accident, and most importantly I haven't gotten my license suspended.

I can keep my license but I can't keep a job ( not that thats my fault ). *sigh*

=)

You don't know what a best friend is until you've met mine. Just gotta say that.

http://caughtbehindthescenes.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-bestfriend-my-laugher-my-partner-in.html?showComment=1239834960000#c8063005780848821951

Read that and then try to tell me that I deserve a better best friend. Love her. No doubt. Don't know what I did with out her for 15 years but I'm glad she's apart of my life now.

I know that sounds like we are in kind of lesbo relationship. But it's not like that. We are just really close. aha

Happy Easter !!!

Love, Heather

Mom's car was a little late for April Fools day.

You all know mom is making pats potato's for Easter. Well she had me go to the store today to pick up a few things we needed to make them. I'm listenin' to music the whole way there ( kind of loud )and I finally get to the store and put the car in park. I go to take the key out of the ignition and the key wouldn't come out. I just shrug it off and try to restart the car and then turn the car off again in hopes I would be able to take the key out. NOPE. Instead the car doesn't start at all. I try about three times again to get the car start and or try to get the key out of the ignition. I stop and think. I start to panic because I think that I listened to the music maybe too loud and wore out the battery. Nah couldn't be because the music wasn't THAT loud. I try to take the key out again and when I fail I try to restart the car. That doesn't work either. I panic and reach for my cell. CAN'T CALL EITHER. NO TIME LEFT OF MY PHONE!!! Now I really panic. I remove the lock thingy from the key chain so I can get out and get to a pay phone. Once I get out of the car the lock button doesn't work but the unlock does. I panic more. Then think 'well if I hurry no one will come fast enough besides that they wont get far!' So I ran to a pay phone reach in my wallet and pull out 5 pennies. Crap! That was all I had for change. That's all I really had anyway. Then I nervously walk up to the service desk, put both hands on the counter, lean over and say " I'm in a horrible situation! My car wont start. I have five pennies, no cell phone and I need a phone.!" She hands me the phone and dials the number. Mom picks up and I tell her in panic mode that the car has died. She asks me a series of questions like " Is the car in park?" YES! " The keys won't come out?" NO " AND YOU LEFT THE CAR UNLOCKED WITH THE KEYS IN IT" I'M TRYING TO HURRY SO I CAN GET BACK OUT THERE. " Get back out there and I will be there in a minute."
So I go back to the car. Try one more time. This time I must've moved the steering wheel just right with my left hand and the key came out of the ignition. I sighed in relief leaned back and began laughing hysterically. Dan came to the rescue but I didn't need him to. However I'm thankful he came anyway. I tried to tell him what happened without sounding like a complete idiot, but there's no way you can say it without sounding like a complete idiot. So I walked into the store and carried on my way trying to act as if nothing happened but I felt like the whole world was laughing at me.

I tell this story myself because I know my mother and she will make it another "break time story about my dumba** daughter" thing.

First Time in While

I made it on to the honor role of my high school. This is the first time since 5th or 6th grade. I have to say that it was pretty easy. Why I haven't been able to do it previous years beats me. An adult who happens to be close to me says it may be brain development. I say it may be development of maturity. I needed to learn to be mature about my school work. To get things done on time and do it correctly. To pay attention in class and not be the class clown or loud mouth. Once I realized that school is a big part of what leads me to my future, I buckled down. I'm leaving my childish behavior with friends outside of school. I am ashamed to have learned this so late in my high school career but I am glad to have learned it with in my high school career and not when I was stuck in the real world thinkin' "what the heck do I do now?"
Many of you know that I plan on going to cosmetology school in spring of next year ( March or April 2010) It's been something I've wanted to do since I can remember. Which brings me back to the first encounter I've ever had with cutting hair. I lived in North Conway and I had a best friend named Sarah. I remember sitting in my room with a pair of play scissors and the next thing I know I'm cutting her hair. Why my mother let me play with scissors at that age...I have no idea. Now people let me practice cutting hair and doing peoples nails and make up. Every month I cut Scott's hair and auntie Robin let me trim her hair once. I really hope she was pleased with it =/. Anyway, mom let me do her nails on Tuesday and they look amazing. I have a picture even though its kind of fuzzy. It's her natural nail with a basic manicure ( cuticles and filing)and a french manicure (white tips with clear coat) I have a picture for you to see!

Oh Jeeze

Friday night I was running up the stairs and fell. I slammed my knee against the metal part of the stairs. I haven't been able to walk correctly since. And because of that Mom wouldn't let me go to competition on Saturday. She called my teacher and explained what happened but I feel like I let my choir down. I know I'm not going to hear the end of it from them either. Not looking forward to Monday.
Besides that, I have been doing so well this quarter I've been hoping to get on honor role. I have all A's and B's which hasn't happened since middle school. We will find out on Friday when report cards come out.

New Post

I have a new post on my other blog.

I appologize for the quality of the video but it wasn't me who recorded it or anything. It was recorded by someone else in my choir...

Busy Busy Busy

You all know that music is my life. This time though I mean in literally. Tomorrow I have to stay after school until five o'clock so myself and the rest of the people in Concert Choir can rehearse for our concert on Thursday. There will also be a woman there named Karen who will be critiquing us. That should be fun. Not. Then on this Saturday the 21st will be Barbershop at four o'clock at my high school. It's only $4 to get in for adults $3 for children and seniors. Snacks and stuff will be sold as well...I'm pretty sure. Anyway and then next Saturday is the Large Group Competition in Bow. Some choirs from different schools will be going to try and earn an award. Not looking forward to that either. So my next two weeks are pretty busy.
A couple of my friends ( who all happen to be named Rebecca ) are hounding me to go to American Idol. I don't think I want to. I'm not quite sure I'm good enough for that. I don't really like setting myself up for disappointment. Who does?

Mark Your Calendar

My Barbershop Festival is on March 21st at 4 o'clock. It's being held at my school this year in the auditorium. I am a lead. Which is the highest part. I don't mind it. I like being high. im not sure about the men but I know the women will be singing "That's what friends are for," "My guy," and "The loco-motion."
Later on I will let you know how much the tickets are. They arent much. So you don't have to bring a ton of money. But! You can order a Cd from that concert. Ill be sure to sing real loud so you can hear me. Haha jk

Feb. Vaca

It went by way too fast. I did have fun. Friday night my two girlfriends came over. Rebecca and Rebecca. We at one point took my hamster and made a circle and let her run around and stuff. Mom heard us giggling from my hamster crawling on us. So she came in and Rebecca Huntoon was holding her at the time and when my mom walked in she pulled the hamster to her belly and sorta tried to hide it. That didn't work. We watched "Wanted" and it was a really good movie. and then we watched some other chick flick and we never got to bed until like 3:30. Rebecca Munn went home yesterday but Rebecca Huntoon stayed another night. Today we had to bring her home and now I'm just sitting her talking to her and Scott on AIM.
Tomorrow I'll be back to school if we dont have a snow day.

QUICK

If you havnt seen my other blog go to it RIGHT NOW. GO. QUICK. NOW!!!!

Another Blog

I have a new blog just for my singing. I hear some people are complainging because I don't have a new song up. I still don't on my new blog, but I will later tonight. They will be coming more frequently now because I have a two seperate blogs.

Here's the link.
www.tbhofm.blogspot.com

FLORIDA

Here We Come!!!!

My best friend, Rebecca, and I will be going to Aunty Kim and Uncle Bob's for April vacation. We are both super excited. We really did save up every penny so we could go. We will continue to save up even more pennies so we have some extra spending cash for florida=).

We both thank you and appreciate this very much Aunty Kim and Uncle Bob. ♥♥♥

Not an Option

Next year there will be no more concert choir. The reason is because I have to split the block in order for band and both chorus to have class. Im not in band so that means I go to history second half on the block. This means that four classes have a split period and thats messed up. I don't see why they just put band and choir in two seperate blocks. So next year they will be combining chorus. This is rediculous because I worked really hard to be in the top choir and now thats going down the drain all because some adults and get there stuff straight?

I wont be taking chorus next year. I've worked way to hard to get into choir to just get put back where I was. Thats like getting a raise and then getting it taken away because other people can't do what there job is. Its my principles job to figure things out so it didn't have to turn out like this.

You're Invited =D

I have a Jazz Festival on Monday the 16th. You are welcome to come. It's at my school in the gym at 7:30 pm. I won't be upset if you can't make it I just thought it would be nice for you to come if you could make it.

There will be the concert choir. The men of the concert choir will be singing "shes got a way" by Billy Joel. And the women of the concert choir ( thats me ) will be singing "lullaby" by Billy Joel.

The band will also be play some fun songs. Not sure what though.

It will be super fun!!!

I'm Prepared

I've been getting a lot of criticism lately. It's because I'm graduating in January next year. I can because I've been working hard to earn my credits. Did I know that I would end up with so much by this time? No, I didn't. Was it my plan to graduate early as soon as I walked in my freshman year? No, it wasn't. Today Mrs. Chapman, my guidance councilor, took me out of class to discuss next years schedule because I will be graduating early. When I get back I get judgment from my friends. They say things like " why would you do that?" or "you wont be able to walk at graduation if you do that." What I have to say for that is that they are ignorant about this particular subject because I will be able to walk in June with the rest of my class mates. It has already been discussed amongst my principle, my councilor, and I. I will just already be in Empire by the time June roles around. ( as I write that the phone rings and its the director of Empire, I will be going in for a shadow to see just what they do. I will also be talking to her about financial aid.) Anyway. My point is, I have been working hard for this, but it seems like no one has anything good to say. People have been saying I'm just doing it to get out of school and that my transcript won't look so good. That's not true. I have all my academics and I have 8 electives including music, art, and early childhood education. So if later in life I want to go to school for music, art, or child development I can do so. I'm not doing it just to get out of school early. I want to get started. I've done what I need to do in high school and I'm ambitious about starting cosmetology.
I don't know why I'm so concerned about what my friends are saying, I just am. It's not like they know what my transcript looks like and stuff. That only matters to me right?
Mom supports what I am doing as long as I get to walk at my graduation and I do. I'll just be ahead of most of my class mates.

Yet Another....

OK so Judy I didn't read your comment on my last song until I had already recorded this one. But I will take your advice for next time. As for all my other viewers I appreciate the comments very much. HOWEVER!, thinking of songs to sing is hard and I really do need some requests.
So I have a little fantasy to buy my own recording equipment. It's something I'm seriously looking into. The mic and the pop filter ( you can look it up if you don't know what a pop filter is) is probably the two least expensive things I could buy, however, the recording machine thing itself costs up to a couple hundred. Like I'm talking any where from 3 to 9 hundred dollars. On one hand I want to get one that is cheap but on the other hand I don't cuz I want it to last. So I call this my fantasy because it will take me a long time to save up, but I want this system bad enough to make it into reality instead of just a fantasy. Wish me luck. aha.
On another note, my concert choir teacher told us today that the Manchester Monarchs have invited us to sing the national anthem at one of there games. I cant wait. Austria ( yes I know its a different country) has also contacted us to sing there as well. However, we would have to save up a lot of money in a fairly short amount of time. So shes going to calculate just how much we will have to fund and then get back to us about it. I honestly don't think we will be able to raise enough. IF WE ARE ABLE TO DO A FUND RAISER I AM HUNTING ALL OF YOU DOWN.

What a Week

I had finals this week. I only had to go in on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday and then i had Friday off. Except Friday I went in to school to take my choir final cuz the final is singing 4 songs, rhythm counting, and solfedging. Which is all verbal of course so the teacher had us sign up for days to take the final. I thought I signed up for Friday at 12 but I apparently did not. So i walked all the way to school to find that my final isn't until Monday at 12:15. I seriously think someone switched days cuz i did write in pencil and it could have been easily erased. Anyway I went on edline to see if my teachers have posted my final grades yet and 3 out of 5 did. My lowest grade is a c- and my highest is a B so far. I'm pretty proud of myself. So in the near future I will have some great news for you guys. You'll have to wait to find out.

Since Thursday (1.15.09 )

Thursday Mom and I went to Robins house for taco's and to see Kim and Jesse for the first time since they flew in. I couldn't believe how tall Jesse is. There's something wrong with my baby cousin being taller than me. I guess he's just not my baby cousin anymore ;) I forgot my camera Thursday but I remembered it for the rest of the weekend.
Friday Mom, Kim, Jesse, Luke, Alyssa and I went to Pizza Hut for dinner. Alyssa and I took a million pictures while we were waiting.








Saturday night was the dance party and it was the first dance party I have ever been too. It was a ton of fun. While we were waiting for the dance party to come we played a lot of games like Uno, Go fish, Dora Memory and we played Topple.









Kristyn, John, Ella, Aunty Steph and Uncle Chris came on Sunday. This was Aunty Kim and Jesse's first time meeting Ella.

New Song....

It took me a million tries, yet I'm still not satisfied. Oh well. Ill have another one soon for you. Feed back is good. Anything you have to say will help me along the way.

Got the Web Cam

However, my computer is gay and it wont let me install it. Called my aunty robin and she got me on the right direction and when that didnt work so had me call costumer service. I called and they couldnt help either. Basically what it came down to was a 15 minute conversation tryin to figure the darn thing out and the conversation ended with " Oh error 1606 means your computer is missing this file." UGH.

So mom was kinda enough to let me install it on her top but it interupts her precious game time. So I need to figure this this out. Ick. So if you dont get any songs...BLAME IT ON MOM!!!!